Well now, it’s feels like years since my last post. Ok, I exadurate, it’s only been a few months. Still…
I have been thinking about posting for a while now but I couldn’t seem to muster up anything to right about. A lame excuse, I know because there are limitless topics I could explore. Truth is, I have been making up excuses.
I am still in a transition or building phase of the next stage of my life. A lot of progress has been made but at the same time, I still seem to be repeating the same dark patterns that take me away from a centred, balanced life. Really, I would just be repeating myself. I am trapped in a loop.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, I hear.
The next stage in my journey involves me moving back into Vancouver from Steveston, where I have been living for the last 8 months. I have been living as far away from the centre of the city as humanly possible yet still relatively accessible by transit. I moved out there because I found that the frequency of the city was a little to intense for me when I returned form Spain. I knew I had changes to make but I couldn’t do that if I were so close to my normal patterns. So, out I went to Steveston, intent on starting over; a reset. The interesting thing was that even in my reboot, I still encountered many of the same plaguing issues that I have been experiencing for the last years. Even though I have gained a new perspective and space to encounter my true self, I am still repeating these patterns. There must be something deeper I am not addressing, I thought to myself. And the digging began.
Changing my life is not some thing that can be done over night, it takes time and patience. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t need a little assistance. While I am in the building stages, certain things like finances and work are not easy to come by. Especially in this entertainment industry where even when you are well established, work can be far and few between. I gave up everything to start over in my own way. I sold 90% of my stuff and put the rest in a storage locker, I walked away from half my income all because it wasn’t what I needed anymore. So, here I am in my beginning stage of a new chapter and I literally have nothing. I have purged myself of all my material possessions and unhealthy lifestyle. I am completely vulnerable. (Eek!)
Which brings me to the topic I really want to write about gifts and giving.
I don’t know why asking for or accepting help is so difficult. It must be an issue of control and ego, two things I definitely struggle with. There have been many times this last year where I have had to call up a friends and ask for a couch to sleep on, a car to drive or simply, emotional support. The interesting piece to this is the fact that there is always someone there to take me in and I think they even do so happily. Even at the mere mention that I might need a place to sleep, I have multiple offers of couches, spare rooms or floors. It baffles me that I usually have more than one offer. How can this be? Why would anyone want to help me?
There have been bigger gifts as well, things that I still have a hard time wrapping my head around. My friend, Mandy, offering her advice, knowledge, time and contacts to help me certify as an acro teacher and book workshops. She didnt have to do all of the for me, but she still did it. Or how about my dear friend, Jonel, paying my tuition for a seminar that aimed to identify and heal dark patterns because she knows I needed it. Shelene, Joel, Kent and Jonel all offering me places to stay in there homes while they are away and I have a 2 week gap between moving places. Or all the friends who have a hook up, connection or availably on workshops or gigs. The list is endless, I really could go on for days. Why am I being offered these gifts? Do I deserve this?
My last months have been filled with all of these wonderful gifts of all forms. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. It also makes me uncomfortable because my first instinct is that they must want something in return. How will I pay them back? What if I don’t have anything to give? I don’t want to seem dependant and incompetent. What am I doing with my life? I am usually the one who has my shit together. AHHHH. And so on and so forth. But here is the lesson, when someone gives you a gift it is not a business transaction. The greatest way I can reciprocate these gifts is to simply receive them with grace. That is my gift back to them. There will come a time for me to give back but for now, this is my time to receive. Plain and simple.
So why me? I can only guess that in my last year of searching, I have opened myself up to vulnerability and humility. I don’t pretend to have my shit together anymore. I will straight up tell you I am struggling sometimes because it is the truth. Much like my witting, people respond to heartfelt honesty. True, sometimes I am sure they are a little irritated but hey, we are all human. And let’s not forget karma, everything will come back to you in the end. It also seems that when you are receptive to the gifts your are receiving, it makes it much easier to give. It’s all circular. I see all these wonderful gifts and suddenly, I am more than willing to donate my time and energy to some one else who my needs help. Where as before, I may have made up some lame excuse of why I can’t help you… “I have to brush my cat” or something like that.
So here I am, smack dab in the middle of self analysis, truth and receiving. Graciously humbled by my reality, I am finally learning how to truth share this life with the people I love.
Thank you to all of you who have been a part of my journey in whatever role you played. Merci. Danke. Thanks. Gracias.
Until next time…